(theme music playing)
NARRATOR: Man lives in the sunlit world
of what he believes to be reality.
But... there is,
unseen by most, an underworld.
A place that is just as real
but not as brightly lit.
A dark side.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Hello, Englebert. It's 8:00.
It's 8:00.
Good evening, Sir Edmond Halley.
This is your night.
Your night.
"When beggars die, there are no comets seen.
The Heavens themselves blaze forth the death of princes."
Ah, Shakespeare, you understood.
This is Englebert Ames.
The day has arrived.
As you know, I am prepared.
Halley's Comet should soon be within sighting distance.
(laughs)
I will now prepare the telescope.
What are you doing?
Papa called. Oh.
Dinner with the Darby Bankers Group representatives
is at 9:00.
Tonight?
Black tie.
Oh, uh, you'll have to give them my apology.
I can't make it tonight.
Papa has bent over backwards to teach you
about imminent foreclosure and quantitative marketing.
I'm sorry, butter cakes.
Papa says you are erratic at work, Englebert.
Erratic doesn't cut it.
I think you better show up for dinner tonight.
Any other night.
It's that stupid Haily's Comet, isn't it?
No, it's Halley's, actually.
Charlene,
think about it.
Halley's Comet comes once
every 75.8 years.
It comes closest to the Earth tonight.
I will not let a comet put me in the poorhouse.
I should have never let you keep that stupid thing
when Papa bought us the house.
I should've thrown it out.
See this?
You wouldn't.
Watch me.
No, Charlene!
(yells, grunts)
I'm gonna smash that stupid telescope!
Charlene!
(gasps)
This is a night for lovers.
We can look into that telescope and confront mystery,
majesty, the cosmos!
There's a shower of diamonds up there!
Don't sweet-talk me.
There's just a bunch of ice and gas and dirt
swirling around out there for no earthly reason.
You remember that night
we spent under the fall in Copernica?
(laughs)
But that was ten years ago,
and it made my head ache for a week!
Now, you promised to give up all this comet talk
and... work hard for Papa.
Now, I'll tell Elvis to get the car ready.
Pull!
(sighs): I'll tell Papa we're on our way.
My fingers are already dialing the phone.
Ten minutes.
No, Charlene, you'll have to go without me.
Tell him that I have a virus.
I'll do no such thing!
You know best, dear.
You know where you can shove your comet, buster!
Hello, stars.
Englebert Ames here.
Ah, there you are, Capella.
Ooh, Ursa Major, you're very bright tonight.
No moon tonight.
Perfect night for stargazing.
Wha...?
What's that?
Help...!
(rumbling)
(wind rushing) Shut it down!
Please! Close it!
(wind dying down) Is it closed?
I don't want him following me.
Who are you?
I live here.
But this is my house.
I've never seen you before.
You must be mistaken.
Your house?
My father left it to me.
Did... did you just come through this telescope?
(gasps): My hat!
Whew! I paid the better part of a dollar for this hat.
It's a merry widow.
The latest style.
Pinch me.
Excuse me?
I want to make sure I'm flesh and blood.
I don't... want to pinch you.
It's only a pinch! Please?
(laughs): I felt that.
I'm sorry.
Oh, I never thought I'd make it back,
not in a million light-years.
Back... from where?
I rode the comet.
You rode the comet?
Are you here for my wedding?
Who are you?
I'm... Uh, n-never mind.
We'll talk at the reception.
But please, do wear a cravat and...
morning coat.
(laughs): I have to get downstairs to get married!
Oh.
Where's Dr. Bachman?
Do you need a doctor?
You really should wear a handlebar.
I just don't think a man's upper lip is attractive.
Well, what time is it?
Uh, it's 8:15.
You wear your timepiece on your arm?
(laughs): Well, y...
Or, um, I can...
listen to this.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Englebert, it's comet watch time.
Don't miss it.
It's 8:15. Who said that?
My clock.
I-Is that a kind of gramophone?
I have a gramophone.
Right over there.
It was over there.
It's gone!
And I had such nice lace curtains on that window!
What year is this?
1985.
(gasps): Oh, no!
But Dr. Bachman and I were...
were going to watch Halley's Comet together and...
and then get married.
September 3...
1910.
I guess I missed it.
Would you like a Kleenex?
No, I'm not hungry.
(laughs): No.
It's... to-to wipe your tears.
I have my own hankie.
I never liked them, either.
Am I old and ugly?
Excuse me? I'm...
95 years old!
Oh.
Do you have a glass?
What would you like in it?
A looking glass.
Oh.
Certainly.
Mirror.
I've held up very well.
I'm Laura Burn... My name is Englebert...
...Ames.
Laura Burns.
You know, maybe I am hungry.
I haven't eaten in 75 years.
Oh, I have a chicken sandwich.
I love chicken.
Oh, no. Uh, that's...
I usually, uh,
take the plastic wrap off.
Oh.
Hmm.
Mmm!
Mmm. This is wonderful!
Good.
Would you perhaps have a beer?
A what? A-A beer?
Mm-hmm.
Oh. Yes.
I was Miss Foam of Upstate New York.
1910.
You must be very strong.
Oh, no. It's...
It's nothing.
So,
you came through my telescope.
My telescope.
I had it built in 1908.
Oh, well, it's a... it's a very nice telescope.
I had to come through that thing.
It's the way I went out.
That's him!
You...
You met Halley?
I had no choice.
There's a window out there.
A window?
Right here
between out there and down here.
It only opens
when Halley's Comet comes close to the earth, like tonight.
When I looked through the telescope,
I saw the window.
And then, everything started to shake,
and I was drawn right up the scope.
I was floating in the breeze.
And then Edmond reached out and grabbed me,
and he pulled me up onto his comet.
Oh!
75 years...
...with Edmund.
And now... here I am.
I didn't mean to just drop in on you.
Oh... that's...
perfectly all right.
You must be a stargazer.
It's a hobby.
I've always found stargazers to be extraordinary people.
Oh?
Do you live in my house alone?
CHARLENE: Englebert.
No, not exactly.
Could you get into the closet, please?
What? CHARLENE: Englebert.
Into the closet, quick!
(panting)
Elvis is waiting in the car.
Now stop this nonsense and get dressed for dinner.
Charlene, I can't go.
I have had it up to here, Englebert,
with your childish games!
Now it is time to grow up and take some responsibility!
(clanging) What the...?
Oh!
Hello.
Who are you?
Charlene!
Close the telescope!
Who is she?
He's coming after me!
Englebert!
(groans)
Englebert!
Gadzooks!
Uh... how do you do?
Englebert! Uh, thank you,
uh, very much for, uh, cushioning my fall.
Allow me, madam.
(both grunting)
I say, you're all woman, aren't you?
(both sigh)
Mother will never believe this.
I seem to be reasonably together.
Egads!
Nothing like that in my day.
What happened?
What happened?!
A flip-flop of a most serious nature, madam,
is what happened.
Tumbling through the atmosphere
into the noxious gases of America.
I apologize for squishing any part
of your, uh, anatomy.
Laura!
Laura, thank heaven I have found you.
Edmund, I don't want you following me.
Oh, Laura, Laura, the merest trill of your voice
disperses a perfume into the air.
I, uh--
ugh!
I had heard America smelled
like a decomposing minor nebulae.
Come, Laura, before we suffocate.
Who the hell are you?!
Are you Edmund Halley?
Your servant, sir.
Sir Edmund Halley?
Well...
I who measured and mapped the light
was never knighted.
A gross oversight on the part of Charles II,
who has recanted his error in the afterlife--
too late for my reputation in this one, I regret to say.
You've said so many times.
A woman's place is to listen.
Edmund, you are so...
Not now, Laura.
Not before the servants.
We can discuss it on the comet.
If...
you will excuse us.
Let go of me!
What is this?
Halloween?
Laura, come to your senses.
There is nothing here but human life.
You can't want
to return to this gross, material world.
But you've forgotten about love, Edmund.
Hasn't he, Englebert?
CHARLENE: Englebert?
Well...
Laura, you have caused me a deal of trouble.
You must return with me
while the time window is still open.
I wish I'd never found the time window.
Laura, I am stunned by your behavior.
Listen, buster!
Take your little bride with you and get out of my house!
I'm not going back.
Englebert, you'll help me, won't you?
My husband will do as I tell him.
Englebert?
Sir, Mr. Halley,
could I speak with you for just a second?
Man-to-man.
(chuckles)
Please, it's important.
You understand, uh, I feel responsible.
She's a young girl,
and, uh, I want to be sure
that you are who you say you are.
I was born October 29, 1656.
Right.
Please don't dally.
Laura and I must make it through the time window.
She must be with me.
She is my consort in space.
Yes, I just want to ask you
a couple of questions.
Uh, oh please, uh, be seated.
I don't know who you weirdoes are,
but Englebert and I are late for a very important dinner party.
I don't think you appreciate him.
HALLEY: Laura was not meant for mortal life.
The heavens have adopted her.
Laura, we will detour past Orion.
Why do you keep looking at him?
He looks like Dr. Bachman without a moustache.
I do?
Let's get on with this.
Oh, uh, um,
I don't suppose you could tell me
where you were in, um, uh, 16... 1676?
In 1676 I catalogued 341 stars
and observed the transit of Mercury from the Island
of St. Helena. Yes. ...of St. Helena.
Can you say as much?
No.
Pity.
I haven't accomplished very much, I suppose.
I've always admired you.
I take it you came through the telescope as well.
This is a real circus.
(screams)
Don't you think Laura
belongs with someone more accomplished,
more commanding?
Someone who can wear hose with a flair.
She could be the queen of the universe.
I don't want to be queen.
CHARLENE: Stop
looking at her like that!
I'm going to call the police.
I want these freaks out of here.
Charlene, sit down.
You can't tell me what to do.
I said sit!
Um, in, uh, 1682?
In 1682,
I observed what became Halley's Comet
and predicted its regular return every 75.8 years.
I am a genius.
And you?
Now, enough of these games.
Englebert,
you will tell Laura she must come with me
while the time window is still open,
and we will leave you
with your charming companion.
The entire balance
of the universe will be upset if you detain Laura.
The stars will weep.
Englebert, do you want me to go?
Stop looking at him!
Maybe he wants me to stay.
Maybe I'll break your leg.
We'll let Englebert decide.
Oh, no, we won't.
You get back inside that telescope
and leave Englebert alone!
Charlene!
You can't make me go back.
Madam, I applaud your directness.
Laura, after you.
ENGLEBERT: Hold it!
Englebert, listen to me.
There's going to be a supernova next Tuesday
at 12:04 Greenwich Mean Time here.
Discover it.
They will name it for you.
You will be immortal!
A supernova?
Named after me?
After Laura goes through the time window.
All right.
I'll go.
What?
I won't stay where I'm not wanted.
Very smart.
Prepare to blast off.
You're a woman a man would be a fool
to tangle with, Madam.
Good luck, Englebert.
I see years of the same ahead of you.
Ready, Laura?
Madam, your most obedient servant.
Laura!
I can't go back!
You little...
(both grunting)
Englebert, don't just stand there.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: It's 8:26.
Have you seen the comet?
Good heavens, the time window!
Don't dawdle, honey.
Laura, I won't let you stay here.
This planet is destroying itself.
(loud whooshing) Laura!
Stay with me!
What?
I can't hear you.
Laura, give me your hand.
We will celebrate your coronation on Jupiter.
(screaming)
(whooshing)
You're next, sweetie.
Have a nice trip...
(whooshing)
I guess she won't be needing this.
No, she won't.
Will she?
Not till she gets back.
Gets back?
In 75 years.
Give or take.
(giggles)
Oh, you won't recognize the world.
Whatever happened to Wilbur Wright?
Did he ever get his aircraft to stay off the ground?
Oh, yes.
And men have flown to the moon and walked on it.
Sure.
And pigs have wings.
(both laugh)
CHARLENE: You're driving too fast.
HALLEY: Comets go fast, madam.
That is the nature of comets.
Not if I'm going to be queen of the universe.
Oh.
I said slow down, Ed.
We have 75 years.
Yes, your majesty.
Now, show me the sights.
There's a very interesting black hole
I'd like your majesty to see.
Ooh, goody!
Well, step on it.
Yes, your majesty.
NARRATOR: The dark side is always there.
Waiting for us to enter.
Waiting to enter us.
Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight.